My time here at the newspaper is winding down so this will be one of my last columns. That’s because I’m about to receive a big windfall, allowing me to leave my job and enjoy retirement in luxury.

I haven’t received the money yet, but Christopher A. Wray, executive director of the FBI, emailed me to let me know that the FBI’s Washington, D.C., office has been notified through it’s global intelligence monitoring network that I have an overdue payment of $10.3 million from Citibank. I know the FBI director has been distracted with accusations that he fumbled the Florida shooter investigation and is wasting his time on some kind of Russian influence hoax, but I was very impressed that he took the time to personally contact me.

When I told a friend about this, he politely questioned the validity of the email.

However, I informed him the FBI director was already on top of that possibility as he stated that this is “100% hitch free from all facets” and that I have the “lawful right” to claim my fund “without any further delay.”

Of course, since he is the FBI director, he has seen the wicked behavior of some really bad people, so he had a special note: “There are numerous scam emails on the internet, imposters impersonating names and images. We therefore warn our dear citizens to be very careful with any claim email you receive prior to these irregularities so that they do not fall victim to this ugly circumstance anymore.”

He even had a special security protocol for me concerning other emails that might be related to this: “any message that does not come from the above email address with phone number should be nullified and avoided immediately for security reasons.”

After I explained all these precautions the FBI director was taking, my friend now told me not-so-politely that I was being duped.

So, I took the only reasonable course of action: I asked another friend who has always been supportive of me.

The first thing my other friend did was check into the background of this other so-called-friend who was trying to deprive me of my hard-earned millions.

That’s all he needed for him to come to a conclusion: My other friend was an unreliable source of information.

How did he know that? Well, he checked the social media posts of my other friend and discovered he supported Hillary Clinton in the 2016 election.

We both knew what that meant. She isn’t just a typical politician who has some contrary views on public policy; she is “pure evil.” We both learned that on a social media post by this patriotic group called Heart of Texas, which also showed her shaking hands with Osama bin Laden in another post.

Another American religious group, Army of Jesus, posted a message from Satan claiming that if Clinton wins, Satan wins. So, we both hit “like” to help Jesus win in order to warn others who weren’t aware of the extent of her depravity.

Now, when I confronted that first friend to inform him he had been exposed, he asked if I had paid attention to the news recently about the indictment against 13 Russians for interfering in the 2016 election. That interference included posing as Americans in bogus American groups, including Heart of Texas and Army of Jesus, to bring discord to American politics and further divide Americans.

I just scoffed at him. I may be in the news business, but I focus on local news. I don’t pay any attention to the “fake news” distributed by the loser national press, which has its own agenda.

Besides, the president said the Russian investigation is all a hoax perpetrated by his enemies who are probably in cahoots with Democrats such as Clinton and the dishonest national media. I’m sure the president has facts to back that claim up just as he had reliable information on Clinton’s lawless past; why else would he start chants of “lock her up” at his campaign rallies if he didn’t have the same proof we did that Clinton is a criminal?

I also mentioned to him that I remember the president’s campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, just two weeks before the election tweeting a post by @Ten_GOP, which is the unofficial Twitter account of Tennessee Republicans, regarding Hillary Clinton’s email: “Mother of jailed sailor: ‘Hold Hillary to same standards as my son on Classified info’ #hillarysemail #WeinerGate.”

My friend laughed and said that is another fake message, this one proven to be operated by a Russian agency before the account, which had more than 100,000 followers, got shut down by Twitter.

More fake news, I replied, before our conversation devolved into shouting, name-calling and worse.

 I felt bad that our conversation broke down into mayhem. I rationalized, though, that I can’t help those people who are naive enough to believe the rants of people like Clinton who committed so many obvious crimes without being properly punished.

Besides, if Russian operatives were really trying to create chaos in our country, weaken our democracy and turn us against each other, wouldn’t the president do everything he could to stop them?

I know my friend reads the New York Times, so he has probably been brainwashed about this hoax involving a special prosecutor on a witch hunt to implicate collusion with Russian operatives. His gullibility in swallowing those lies and others has created a strain in our friendship because he is always questioning my well-reasoned beliefs.

So I came to the only logical conclusion: He is no longer my friend.

When I’m enjoying my millions from Citibank, living the good life in the greatest country in the world, I’ll be surrounded by my real friends who truly want to unite the good people of this country.

In fact, before I strike it rich, I might just reply to that email from the FBI director and ask Christopher Wray to keep an eye on my friend — and all his friends, for that matter — because it is hard to know who to trust with so much misinformation being bandied about.

You can’t be too careful, you know. The future of our country is at stake.