After a weekend marathon trip to Ohio with the Princess, I have to wonder if men had to deal with situations like mine, all through time? For instance, when they left on a long journey, did the woman drive the horse and wagon just a little bit crazy for the first 75 miles, to the point where the man said, “You did a great job, Baby, but I’ll take it for the next 600!”

Did Joseph look fondly over at Mary and think, if you’d let the GPS tell you the next step, before you punch it, we’d have something to go on besides that bright star over there! Was Columbus waiting for the little woman to read the compass when he crashed into the shoreline? Maybe Daniel Boone glanced over at the wife sleeping like a baby in the middle of the night, while he pushed onward down the trail, thinking, it’s a good thing I’ve got the horse to talk to, or this would be a long trip.

Was Custer yelling at the Mrs. to “stop texting and call for help, we’re in a little bit of trouble here”? I never saw the Long Ranger and Tonto arguing about which way the bad guys went at the fork in the trail. I wonder if Jim Bridger sat down in the public outhouse on Donner Pass thinking, man the seat is still warm, I must not be the first explorer breaking trail this morning. And why is the toilet paper box mounted so close? I’ve gotta ride this bronc side saddle to take care of my business in here.

As we passed the Indianapolis Motor Speedway I looked in the mirror, nobody behind us, nobody around, so I punched the gas pedal for just a second because I’ve still got a little rebel left in me. I checked all around me a couple of times and changed lanes without signaling. I got a grin on my face and thought, I’m still a badass for a grandpa.

Later on as we rolled into Ohio and came to a fork in the road, the signs say, Dayton or Columbus. Dayton or Columbus! C’mon GPS, try to keep up. The Eqyptians had sundials faster than you are. “Aaaaaagh.” Wrong turn again! Once again I got that look from over yonder that made me question my manhood and wonder how I ever got a fire started in the cave. After 14 phone calls, the kids figured out where we were, and we rolled the Titanic into the dock at about 2 p.m.

As I released a sigh of relief out of both ends, I thought to myself, now all we have to do is drive back home again!

Rangvald Davidson

Spring Valley